In a panic

The other night I was lying in bed, as I often do, having trouble going to sleep. A recent blog posting I had read from Mckmama (she is one of the blogs I follow) had my brain stirring. She was writing about how she found it easy to remain calm in the midst of the insanity that is having 4 kids under 5. She said all she has to do is remember that one day she is going to miss this.

That really got me in a panic. I started thinking about all of the major things that have passed already. I was thinking, did I do enough when they were babies, can I still remember what it felt like to rock them to sleep, to feed them a bottle, what it felt like to prop their tiny heads up with mine when they weren't quite strong enough to do it on their own(like I do with Charlie right now). I don't worry so much about the time I spent with Huett because I can remember it vividly, and I am right in the midst of it with Charlie, so I know he is getting more than enough snuggle time because I hold him as much as possible, much to my mother's chagrin. It is Sam that I was freaking out about. Can I remember rocking him to sleep? Not too much because he didn't like to be rocked to sleep, he just liked for us to lay him down. Can I remember him getting in the bed with us? Very rarely, and usually only if we went in after him, and even then we ended up taking him back because he would get mad when we touch him. Do I remember carrying him around everywhere? No I don't because he never required that of us. He has been independent from day one. Charlie has been demanding from day one, so I personally don't give any credit to those people who say you can spoil a baby. Charlie came into this world spoiled and Mikey and I knew it from the way he acted in the hospital. He was spoiled before I ever personally got a chance to do it myself. Huett was somewhere in between, spoiled but because we made him that way and Sam was totally different. He was happy and not in need of a constant comforter. He just didn't need me. That is not to say that he ever went without. by any means. I love him and of course always have, but he is, how do I put it, self-sufficient.

And to those of you who would say, " well, that's just classic middle child syndrome." I would have to disagree. I think with a personality like Sam's it wouldn't have mattered in which order he would've came, first, second, or last. He is who he is and while I absolutely would not change it, I wish he would have been a little more needy, a little more temperamental like his older and younger brother, so I could feel like I got a chance to mother him more. I think that is part of the reason that I wanted to let him hold on to his long hair and his pacifier for so long. Those were gentle reminders that he was still a baby, even though reality was staring me down. My middle baby isn't a baby anymore, even if my oldest is. Sam has never needed me the way Huett does, and I think so far, Charlie needs me the most. I hope Sam's independence will carry out into his adulthood.

All of our friends think Sam is the cool one. He is the one that will play with them, and talk to them. I think he would go home with most of Mikey's friends if we would let him, and honestly most of them would probably be glad to take him. He'll be the one that is too cool for mom. Probably the one who gets all the girls, even though from the looks of it, Huett will be able to give him a run for his money...and heaven help me if Charlie is going after the same girls as Huett and Sam because that would mean he is into much older women...(the apple doesn't fall far from the tree Mikey...kidding, kidding).

I'm just afraid that one day I'll look up and they'll all be driving up from football practice in their jersey's and all I'll be good for is a pb&j sandwich before they hole up in their rooms for

Playstation 5 or X-box 1000 marathon or get on the phone with the girl of the week. I know those days are coming and like I said...it has me all

IN A PANIC!